What do you do when you wake up and realize you don't like who you are? What do you do when you want to become who you really want to be? What do you do when you realize that means you have to give up everything because you're just not happy? What if you wake up from the haze you've been living in and want to change? What if you live with your boyfriend when you realize he's not the one, you don't really love him anymore, and you need to change to be happy? 

I break to pieces. I ache for a love that is intense, that feels like living. I'm just a walking zombie, going through the motions. How do I change my life? What if I don't have any friends to help me through this? What if I just want to take off in my car and start over somewhere new? What if this is what it takes? What do I do?

I need off this train going to a place I don't want to go. With college though, it's much harder to just get up and go. After college, I'll need a job to pay off my loans. Will I ever get my escape?

I need to talk to someone, but I have nowhere to turn.

Remember this post: http://darling-romance.livejournal.com/75447.html

I took the quiz again recently, so I'm posting the new results.



He has mastered all elements of the past key numbers and stands on top of the mountain of attainment. The snowy peaks is symbolic of his isolation because his wisdom sets him apart from the rest. In this position, he holds his lantern to light the way for the rest to follow his path to enlightenment, for knowledge is meaningless unless we turn and show others what we have learned. The lantern light is 2 triangles, one face up and the other face down. As is above, so below. A triangle only holds 180 degrees, but the combination of 2 triangles equals 360 degrees. A circle has 360 degrees and is the symbol of the creator, endless. 360 degrees and 180 degrees both vibrate at a number 9, the vibration of this cards.

some extra words:

being introspective
thinking things over
focusing inward
concentrating less on the senses
quieting yourself
looking for answers within
needing to understand

searching
seeking greater understanding
looking for something
wanting the truth at all costs
going on a personal quest
needing more
desiring a new direction

receiving/giving guidance
going to/being a mentor
accepting/offering wise counsel
learning from/being a guru
turning to/being a trusted teacher
being helped/helping

seeking solitude
needing to be alone
desiring stillness
withdrawing from the world
experiencing seclusion
giving up distractions
retreating into a private world

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (Make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

Dad gestured at me with the coffeepot. "Want some of this?" I cupped my hands and held them toward him. "Just pour it in there. I'll splash some on my face."
- from Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

RULES

1. Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
2. Turn to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.

I was skeptical of all superstitions, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
- from The Society of S by Susan Hubbard

Did I ever mention that I bought an Amazon Kindle 2? I bought it back in the beginning of March. I absolutely love the thing. I currently have 94 books on mine although about 1/4 of those are just samples. I've read more books than ever. I go through about 3 or 4 books a week. I love that I can so easily take it anywhere. I always take it with me to work, so I can read during lunch breaks. The only thing I've found I don't particularly like about it is it's page numbering system. It doesn't really have one. Instead it has locations based on either the sentence or something, so you can't really search for a specific page easily. Other than that, I think it's amazing.

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (Make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

Sam stood up, and there was something remote and cold about him just then. Something that reminded Claire, very strongly, that he was a vampire first.
- from Feast of Fools (Morganville Vampires book 4) by Rachel Caine

RULES

1. Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
2. Turn to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.

The television was blaring and rolling its screen like it was frustrated that nobody would watch it.
- from Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

I was going through some old files and found some baby pictures of me. Actually, I was cleaning off my old desktop to give back to my mom so that Richard could use it. Anyway, I want to post them because I was just so gosh darn cute.





They get much cuter. ( Pictures... )

I've been considering my stance on marriage recently. I realized that I'm really not sure what I feel about it. On one hand, I've always considered it a bad thing to get married before you're 25. But now I ask myself, why can't you? I'm not looking to get married; that wasn't what brought up this line of thinking. I want to know at what point do you decide, okay now is the time my life will start. How do you know if the person is the right one? What if you get married, life changes, and they're not the right one anymore? Is divorce such a horrible option if you just really aren't happy? Life is short right? When is it okay to have kids? I really would like to have one or two, possibly three. But if you wait, it becomes harder to have kids. There are tons of people my age with kids who seem perfectly happy and perfectly stable. Would it be such a bad thing to have a kid so young?

<EDIT> August 12, 2009

I've been having these strange emotional surges that I don't quite understand recently when I think of Bryan. It's this overwhelming feeling of love. I know that sounds really corny, but seriously. It's like I almost can't breathe for a minute, and I want to scream and giggle and jump up and down like a fool. Then immediately afterwards, I think about marrying him. But how do you know? We've never even brought the subject up. And I mean NEVER. I don't know why. I think it's a fear on my side of bringing it up without being sure I want to even be married now. I don't know why he doesn't talk about it. The closest thing to saying something like he wanted to be married was once about a month ago he said he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. We talk like we're going to be together several years from now. I just don't know when you decide it's the right time to get married, and it absolutely terrifies me to think I'll get married only to want out of it.

I must admit to having been slightly obsessed with the Twilight saga for a few weeks. The characters were absolutely stunning. I had to fall in love with Edward. He was, after all, designed to be the perfect guy. My second favorite character came in Alice. She was someone you could see myself being friends with. I even have the movie and watched it. I hated the movie the first time I saw it, but the second time around I accepted it more as just a representation/supplement to the book.

So, after reading those (all in one week), I struggled with whether or not to read The Host for the following few weeks. I've owned it for as long as I've owned the entire Twilight series, so roughly eight months, but I couldn't bring myself to read The Host. I was worried I would be incredibly disappointed. I read through three or four books after Twilight, but never found a book that I liked as much as it. I even tried thinking up ideas for my own story, but I could come up with nothing original. 

Finally, I bit the bullet and started The Host. I was worried that my suspicion was true when it did not hit me the same way as Twilight. I did not feel a driving desire to keep reading it. The idea was original, but it took longer to get into it. I'm glad a stuck with it. After the first 150 pages, the last 450 were astounding. While I did not fall in love with any of the characters so to speak, I did feel what they felt. The book made me laugh and cry. It was brilliant. I must say, I loved this book, perhaps more than the Twilight saga. It touched me in a way I had not realized Twilight did not until after I read The Host.

I highly recommend it.

I suppose I should post something, seeing as it has been ages since my last one. I appologize for being neglectful if anyone even reads this anymore. My dad has been living out of his car. I'm the only one in the family he talks to which puts an enormous burden on me. He's extremely paranoid, and I hate the feeling of walking on egg shells with him at times. I've lost twenty pounds since my last post. The medicine for the PCOS is working wonders. Speaking of work, I work all the time. I get called in to cover everyone else's shifts as well as my own. My manager keeps talking about making me a manager, but I'm not sure I want to become a manager at Walmart. They really don't pay enough for that. Oh, by the way, I work at Walmart in the electronics department. Bryan and I have been living together since August. We have our rough spots, but we've been smoothing them out. We're considering moving to Springfield, MO in the fall. I'm changing my major to History, and at MSU I can have a minor in Library Science. I still hope to eventually get a Masters in Library Science. He can get his Bachelor of Science in Geology there as well. My grandmother passed away the last week of July. It was extremely hard on my mom. I'm sure there's a lot more, but I will leave it at that for now.


From poetpaladin 's LJ:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

I moved in with my boyfriend. I started college at a University. I was placed on academic probation (not a good thing, but it was the first time). I became a salesperson. I went to Chicago. I worked in a greenhouse and loved it. I attended the funeral of a family member.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't remember having resolutions this last year. If I did have some, I obviously didn't keep them. I don't really have any for this year either.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My half-sister Brandy as well as two cousins all had babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately yes. My grandmother passed away the last week of July. It seems like so much longer than that.

5. What places did you visit?

Chicago, Illinois; Taum Sauk Mountain in southern Missouri; Los Angeles, Laguna Beach, Irvine, San Diego, Huntington Beach, Del Mar (all in California obviously)

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

I would like to have a real vacation to somewhere new.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The day my grandmother died in July. To be honest, I don't remember the exact day because I didn't really think to check. I know it was the last week of July because the same week as the funeral, I had an interview for my job at Walmart. August in general was memorable because it was the first time I moved out and into an apartment.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Moving into our apartment.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My classes at MU. I had no motivation. I was so tired of going to class and particularly tired of English in general.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was diagnosed with PCOS.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The GPS for Bryan for Christmas.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Bryan, for dealing with all of my crazy tendencies. My mom, for being such a strong person. She always amazes me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?

My dad, with his issue with the police.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, cell phone bill, stuff for the apartment in general, groceries.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Moving in with Bryan. The Wii has been really fun.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

No idea.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you

i. happier or sadder? a mix of the two
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Being adventurous.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent Christmas Eve at Bryan's mom's house and Christmas Day at my mom's house, both with Bryan. It was an awesome Christmas. Bryan got me a cushion cut sapphire ring set in white gold with two diamond accents on each side and a matching necklace.

21. How will you be spending New Year's?

I worked. Yay. New Years Eve I worked, and then played on the Wii with Bryan (we had got it the night before).

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?

I was already in love.

23. How many one-night stands?

None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Eh, South Park and Family Guy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Not really.

26. What was the best book you read?

I really didn't read enough this year. I don't remember the best one.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Tool.

28. What did you want and get?

The Wii.

29. What did you want and not get?

I need a new computer. I'm planning to buy one though with tax return money.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm...I saw several good ones, although I like everything. I liked Burn After Reading, Wanted, The Happening, The Mist. There were several more that I don't remember at this point.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was with Bryan because the day before was our one year anniversary. I turned twenty.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I want to be less of a worrier. I worry and stress about EVERYTHING.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Eh, a t-shirt and jeans.

34. What kept you sane?

People. Playing games on the computer.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The elections of course. It was my first presidential election.

37. Who did you miss?

My mom, Bryan, friends all at various times.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Everyone at Heartland Nursery. Robert at Walmart.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Money.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I don't know.

I guess it's about time for an update, eh? Lots has gone on since my last post in April. My dad was evicted from his house. He refused to leave and the police came. My dad had several guns and ended up in a 9 hour stand off with the police. My uncle (who is a cop) finally talked him out of the house. He was in a mental clinic for a month. He was released a week ago into my grandma's care. I've enrolled for the fall at the University of MIssouri in Columbia. I have my Associate of Arts. Yay!

I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I started taking Metformin and birth control for that. It's a diabetes medicine that also helps with PCOS. I'm not diabetic, but PCOS is where the body does not metabolize sugar correctly which causes hormonal imbalances which result in cysts on the ovaries. I had many skin tags which the doctor also removed.

I started a little garden. It has a few herbs. A couple different types of oregano, sage, dill, peppermint, and basil. It also has 10 different kinds of peppers. There's also strawberry, cucumber, and zucchini plants. I have a few flowers as well. Cosmos, verbena, and hibiscus.

Bryan and I have started looking at apartments. We've already bought or been given nearly everything we need for it (bath towels, kitchen utensils, bedding, etc.). We're taking my bed, dresser, desk, and TV. Then he has a couch. Life is going pretty good all in all. My relationship with Bryan is amazing, so I feel I have little to complain about. By the way, we've now been together for a year.

I will be moving over the next two weeks. My mom is moving into my grandma's house to save money. My grandma's house is nearly paid off while we are only renting this one. Then in August, I will be moving into an apartment with Bryan. I'm packing for both moves right now; things that I need immediately vs. things I can do without for a few months. I really like working in the greenhouse. There is a certain peacefulness to it similar to working in a library. I love going in the tropical house and sitting at the fountain while I am on my break. I've bought a few plants here and there since I started. I have 5 stalks of lucky bamboo (which yes, I realize is not real bamboo). I also bought 5 different types of succulent plants. Then from the tropicals I have a baby butterfly palm and a small money tree which I'm absolutely in love with. I wish I could get an orchid except I'd probably kill it. I hope to plant a very small vegetable garden at my grandma's house, just for this summer. I also have a crowntail betta fish now which I named Amadeus. His body is black, but his tail is blue. I will be graduating from Longview on May 16th. However, I still have classes through the end of July. I still need my college algebra, a physical science (which I am taking astronomy for), and a writing intensive course (which I am taking an English course for). I have finally decided to be an English major. I'm not entirely sure what I will do with it at this point, but it's a vague sort of major. I will probably take some computer classes for my electives. I think I might just become a librarian. It's something I've loved since working there in high school. I've considered it time and time again. If there's that much draw to it, then why am I hesitating? Money. Libraries do not pay very well unless you work in a school, which requires an education degree.

Anyway, that is neither here nor there. I was just dropping in for another update.

I haven't posted anything in awhile, and I thought I'd drop in and say hello. I have a job now. I work as a cashier at a greenhouse; a very large greenhouse. It's pretty neat considering that the place was manufactured in Belgium. Bryan and I are still together and going strong. Classes are going well. This semester is nearly halfway over. Richard caught the flu, but he fought through it okay. My grandma is doing much better now that she's in a nursing home. My mom goes to see her every day on her lunch break. Sorry this is so short, I'm going to watch a movie and go to sleep. I'll fill in details later.

It's been a rather hectic week or so. My mom and Richard were supposed to go on a Caribbean cruise this last week, but it didn't happen. They were to leave Sunday (January 21st), but Saturday night Richard had a heart attack. The doctors put him on blood thinners for an angiogram which happened on Monday (January 22nd). The angiogram found three bad arteries. One was 80% blocked, one was 99% blocked, and another was 100% blocked. They took him off the blood thinners and transfered him to a different hospital for a triple bypass surgery. Thursday (January 24th) Richard had the surgery and it went very well. He was released from the hospital yesterday. He will not be able to work for another 6 to 8 weeks. Since he works for a friend, he will not get paid for that time.

That Thursday night, I was caring for my grandma. She asked about a light in the hallway which seemed to be sticking out (she has recess lighting in most of the house). I got up and checked it, but it seemed fine. I was still standing in the hallway while she walked into the living room to look at it from a distance when she said very calmly, "There's a man standing next to you." I half ran, half walked to stand beside her and look behind me, but there was no one there. Then she said that she had been seeing him at various times during the day. He only appeared for a few moments and then vanished. She never saw his face. I was a little concerned and decided I would tell my mom when I got home. Earlier when I first arrived, my grandma said she had blue spots in her vision. I thought maybe she had a blood pressure problem. Then about 15 minutes later she said she saw a man standing by the television. Since I was watching the television, I knew there was no one there. For the last 30 minutes I was at her house, she was seeing a different person or group of people roughly every 2 to 5 minutes. There were kids walking around her evergreen tree, a woman sitting on the floor picking at the carpet, a lady sitting on the couch yawning, a woman sitting next to me, kids walking through her yard, a large group of kids by the pond, and so on. At one point she saw a rat walking towards the house. She also saw piles of dog poop on the kitchen floor. When I got home, I told my mom.

My mom went there in the morning, and my grandma didn't know where she was or what day it was and was crying hysterically. My mom took her to the hospital to get checked out. They admitted her for the night because her potassium was high and her sodium was low. She was also anemic, and the doctors were concerned about her intake of alcohol and opium (she's on opium for her digestive system). They gave her a blood transfusion and watched her overnight. The next day she was walking around the hallway claiming she was going to commit suicide. They put her on 24/7 suicide watch and admitted her to the Behavioral Health Unit (aka psych ward). She's only allowed visitors on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6 to 8 PM and Saturdays (but I do not remember what time). I can't go Tuesday nights because of my class. My mom is very upset because she feels guilty for them locking her up like that. She thought she would be able to see my grandma more. Now she's really concerned because my grandma does fine when she's at home, but in hospitals she gets really agitated, which won't help her get out of the psych ward. Also, the nursing home my mom was looking at for her when she got out of the hospital won't accept her now that she's threatened suicide.

My mom doesn't want to worry about selling her house for several months. My grandma also has a dog which will have to be cared for. She doesn't want to bring the dog here and does not really want to leave the house completely empty, so she asked if I would like to kind of half live there for the time being. I'm considering it.

With that said, I still need a job. I need one fast actually since I will not get money from watching my grandma. The results also came back from the biopsy of my mole. It turns out it had a ruptured cyst which was causing the problems.

Christmas

I left for Bryan's house on the 20th of December. It was the first time Bryan and I have spent more than 4 or 5 days together, so it was interesting. We spent Christmas Eve at his house and had his Christmas then. It was Bryan, Bryan's mom Angie, and Bryan's brother Michael. It was a very nice small Christmas. We opened presents while watching a Christmas Story on TBS which played constantly for 24 hours (not to be confused with a Christmas Carol). The next morning Bryan and I woke up early and drove to Richard's house where we met up with my mom and Angelique. Richard's mom and brother were also there. We opened presents and ate lunch, then watched part of a movie. Bryan and I then headed to my grandparents' house on my dad's side. A few of my uncles and an aunt were there with their spouses and my cousins. My dad had apparently been telling my grandma about Bryan because she said she was glad to finally meet him. She really liked him; I could tell. After spending a few hours there, we went to my dad's house. We spent another hour there. Next we went to my grandma's house on my mom's side. After she opened her presents, we went back to my house and opened presents with my mom. The next day we headed back to Bryan's house

Chicago

On January 2nd, Bryan, Angie, and I drove to St. Louis to help Michael pack up his stuff from his apartment and move up to Chicago. We had a reservation to pick up a Budget moving truck, but they weren't there and the door was pad locked. We called the company up and they put us on hold for 30 minutes. During that time, we called U-haul and got a truck through them. Budget gave Angie a refund after she called back a different number. We then packed and headed to Chicago. The first night we stayed in a Motel 6 in Villa Parks, a suburb west of downtown Chicago. We drove to Michael's apartment in North Chicago. He lives a few blocks from Lincoln Park in a really nice area of Chicago. Bryan, Michael, and I moved his stuff from the truck into the apartment while his mom went to a cafe and used the internet. After we got him moved in, Michael dropped Bryan, Angie, and I off at the Chicago Field and Natural History Museum. However, we got there they explained the last tickets were sold at 4pm and it was 4:15pm. None of us had cash to pay for a cab, so we decided we would walk to the Chicago Art Museum (which is free after 5pm), thinking it was only a few blocks away. We got about 6 blocks and started to freeze. It was 5 degrees and I could not feel my legs. Angie could not feel her feet because she was wearing a pair of slip on flats. About the time we were starting to worry, a couple police went by on bicycles, and we asked them how far away the museum was. They said we had another 6 to 7 blocks to go and suggested we walk across the street to step into one of the hotels to warm up. After we made it to the Hilton hotel and warmed up, we were too warn out to walk the rest of the way. We called up Michael, and he came and picked us up. The three of us stayed at his apartment and watched a movie while he went out to have a drink with a couple friends of his. We were not feeling very well anyway because of the constant change in temperature from cold to hot and back, especially since his apartment was really hot (there is only one control for the whole apartment building). It was just a studio apartment, so sleeping arrangements were tight and kind of strange. Bryan and I slept on the futon, Angie slept in the bed, and Michael slept on the floor. While we sleep in Bryan's room together, it was still weird out in the open with them. The next day Michael had to study for a test required for his new job, so Bryan, Angie, and I went back to the Field Museum. We got in pretty cheap because Bryan and I are students. Angie is a professor, so she got in free. After we left the Museum, we headed back to Bryan's house. We left at 5pm, but we didn't get home until 2:30am. In Bloomington, Illinois, we accidentally missed our exit because we were playing a game similar to 20 questions in order to pass the time. We ended up almost to Champaign, Illinois before we realized the mile markers were going the wrong direction. We ended up roughly an hour and a half out of the way.

Computers

I came home Monday (January 7th). The local computer place called me to let me know they found a screen for my laptop. They got it and installed it. I picked my computer up today. I am so happy to have it back. In the last few months, I've replaced my desktop monitor, my laptop monitor, my desktop keyboard, and my laptop backlight inverter board.

Job Hunting

I started looking for a job now that I'm getting into the spring semester. One of the libraries in Lee's Summit is hiring. It's a part-time job paying $981 per month. I would love to have it. I think I have a good chance since I've had experience working in a library. I also applied a many other places in Lee's Summit. Wish me luck.

Grades

I finished my 4th semester at Longview. I received an A in American History II, Intro to Literature, and Cultural Anthropology. I received a C in Humanities because I missed a quiz. This next semester I am taking Biology I on Monday and Wednesday nights, Western Civilization II on Tuesday nights, and then two mythology courses (one from a humanities perspective, one from an English perspective) and a math course online.

I'm debating buying a MacBook Pro. Since the time my computer screen went out and my mom said I might need a new computer, I started browsing the computers on the market. I'm hesitant to use Windows Vista because of all the kinks it still seems to have, and Bryan doesn't really like his. Right now, Mac OS X Leopard is sounding really nice for a change. I'll still have my Windows XP desktop and broken laptop if I need it too. With that said, here's kind of what my decision is based on (not in any particular order):

1. Mac does not get viruses the way Windows does. After years of dealing with viruses and spyware and what not, it would be nice to worry less for a change.

2. Windows has been the popular operating system for years, but recently Mac is catching back up with them.

3. Macs can run Windows on them. If I decided I just had to have Windows, I could put it on the Mac.

4. Windows graphics for games are better, but I've never really been that concerned with graphics.

5. "'Because it is a simple matter for a OS X user to increase the width of their browser on a case by case basis there is never a need to stretch to full screen. The button that most Windows people assume will expand a window to full screen instead, in OS X, expands or contracts to the documents dimensions. In the case of a browser it expands and contracts to the width of the web page. In windows, there is no easy way to contract a window view. So, rather than jumping back and forth between window sizes a Windows person would just go full screen and stay there.' So in this case, the Mac user would be used to multitasking, with the slew of windows visible on the desktop, overlapping, and sometimes just peeking from behind the foreground window. The Windows user, on the other hand, tends to work solely on the current window visible in the foreground." http://forevergeek.com/apple/mac_vs_windows_its_all_about_the_maximize_button.php
--If you know me on the computer well enough at all, you know I have a million windows open at any given moment. It would be easier for me to not use full screen all the time.

I do have reservations of course. I'm used to the Windows operating system and to give it up seems like a scary prospect. I think I'll have to go to a store and play with one for a bit first. 

I gave up the birth control today. I have never been so up and down as I was this weekend. Everyday around 3 to 5, I just started freaking out. I cried just about every 5 minutes exactly. I could not stop myself. Then I was feeling hot and cold at the same time which drove me crazy. I have to go to the doctor again about the infection because while it improved in the first 24 hours, it hasn't changed since. I'm wondering if maybe the birth control lessened the effectiveness of the antibiotic.

I was terribly bored in class yesterday, and was thinking about when Bryan left Sunday night. So, I just started randomly writing out things as I thought of them. After the tiniest bit of editing, this is what it came out to be.

A Breeze Without You

I felt a breeze
Just a swift light
Touch in the deepening night

It's a funny thing
Always changing
Without any reasoning

Like a flirty caress
Barely touching
Never knowing
Without a backward look

At the door hanging
Open for the day
You return.


On another note, I am getting a mole (if that's what it is) removed off my right cheek because it's started to hurt very painfully anytime anything touches it. It scares me a little because I desperately don't want it to be skin cancer.

EDIT: I went to the doctor today, Thursday, because last night I started to get a pain in my ear and jaw right below my ear. She said it looked like my mole was infected which was why it was hurting so badly, and my face is swollen from my lymph nodes reacting to it. She put me on antibiotics. Strangely enough, I'm kind of worried about taking the antibiotics after hearing about the staph infection problems. Back in August I was put on antibiotics for something, I don't even remember what now, and I know I missed a few doses towards the end. I also know that missing doses is very bad because then the infection is resistant. I'm really hoping this goes away with the antibiotics, and then I don't have anymore infections for awhile!

It's Cellulitis, which is a staph infection, but not the MRSA one that is drug resistant. It could be MRSA, but I won't know for 24 hours. If I get a fever, then I have to go to the hospital.

I was at Bryan's house this weekend. Saturday he worked, but Sunday was awesome. We got up and carved pumpkins. His mom cooked the seeds for us, and Bryan decided he didn't like them (he had never tried them before). Then we went and bought a badminton set. We set it up in his backyard and played for a few hours before it got so dark we couldn't see the shuttlecock. Then we came in and took these pictures.

On a side note, I've lost almost 10 pounds in the last month and a half.

Bryan and I on his couch.